Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Passions of the Jewish Writer

Hello,

Being an Israeli (American) writer & director (and thus, a Jew), let me first apologize up front for belonging to a media-strong ethnic minority. Please don’t hold it against me.
Blowing my own horn for a minute, if I may, I’ll have to say I’m a genuine bad boy, who thinks, writes and acts totally different. Well, a rehabilitated, settled bad boy, anyway.

Cynical thriller comedy. A high-class call girl sleeps with a mysterious big shot blindfolded, and the condom is torn. Only her slick pimp knows the identity of the client, a big time mob boss. The gangster is son-less, has four daughters and craving for a male heir. When she informs her pimp she’s pregnant, the genius puts two and two together and the fun begins.

He ‘confesses’ to his call girl about his love and persuades her to marry him and keep the baby. On the other hand, the mob boss gives his lawful wife a last chance and impregnates her. The two births take place at the same time in different hospitals. We learn to know one of the women gave birth to a baby boy, yet we don’t quite know whom.
__________

The first atheistic biblical Animation series. Ever.
Now in color!
__________

Children get kidnapped all over the country. A month later they are found on the street corner, not a scratch on them. They reunite with their loving families.
The only problem is: they miss their kidnapper.

221 Comments:

At 11:13 AM, Blogger -j. said...

On the other hand, the mob boss gives his lawful wife a last chance and impregnates her.

On her hand? I thought I'd heard it all.

I don't get the "torn condom" thing either. If the gangster wanted an heir, why was he even wearing a condom?

Given these two takes on reproduction, it's no wonder he's son-less.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger k_sra said...

Uhm, what's a Biblical atheistic animation series? Oh, excuse me that's a biblical atheistic Animation series. Got my capital letter in the wrong place.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Sharla said...

Hey, if I paid you five dollars, would you put more commas in? I think it needs somemore. Oh wait, that's two words, ain't it?

Soooo, this is animated? And who cares if you're a Jewish guy? Does this mean you know the Bible better than me? Or just the first five books? And if you know how to direct this, then why don't you make it yourself? Idiot.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

This schlemeil has a huge case of Jewish Mother guilt going on. He's apologizing in the first sentence, already. Oy vey!

Nu? What's with all the call girls? And the fun doesn't BEGIN until the genius puts two and two together? Who's the genius?

And why is the Farshtinkener so sure the baby belongs to the mob boss? The Shikse's a whore, for Christ's sake.

Yiddish dictionary, for those who need it:
http://www.koshernosh.com/dictiona.htm

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger KevMont said...

"We learn to know one of the women gave birth to a baby boy, yet we don’t quite know whom."

I learned "to know" as a kid, but I've fogotten most of it. I do remember the difference between "who" and "whom," though.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Kevmont: I think he means "to know" in the biblical sense.

qrotal: The new male thong, now in color!

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger kojled said...

i'm sorry. did someone just go on and on about some damn ununderstandable something or other that, even though you don't quite get it, it creeps you out just a little, but you're afraid to say so because you feel like you're being watched - as if the writer was behind you watching to see what kind of reaction you had?

i'm sorry. did someone just do that?

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

"We learn to know one of the women gave birth to a baby boy, yet we don’t quite know whom."

Worst sentence ever.

Also, why is being a writer and director automatically make one a Jew?

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger -j. said...

Blackcapricorn: Also, why is being a writer and director automatically make one a Jew?

Boy, is Mel Gibson going to be piiiissed...

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Sahve said...

is there something about this time of the year that turns men's thoughts to hookers? Too many call girl stories. I do like the idea that there are hookers that have been knocked up in the first atheistic biblical Animation series aimed at kids that have been kidnapped. That's inspired, bet ABC Family channel will jump all over that.

axnvuzu: the act of blowing one's horn at a brass convention when one isn't a talented horn blower.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Why did the Polish Jewish whore give her baby up for adoption?

She didn't know who the mother was.

Ydznjajp: Polish Jewish whore, or JAP (Jewish American Princess), same thing.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger brogman said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger brogman said...

Blowing my own horn for a minute
Are ya sure that’s what yer blowing?


Oh the hijinx ensues although I think the big time mob boss would make quick work of the ”genius” pimp.

EXT. DESERT – DARK NIGHT
LUCA
My son. Can I call you my son cause that what’s you’re like to me. My Son I wanna make you an offer regarding custody of my child.
GENIUS PIMP
Hey Pops no problamo. I quote you a price and you . . . well you get da idea. Hey whats with the hole.

BAMMMMM!


acqqqt: what a really good media-strong ethnic minority lawyer can do for a murdered.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Sharla said...

Brogman, I laughed my ass off.

xfzfhpf: The sound of the genius pimp meeting his timely end.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Shelley123 said...

"The gangster is son-less, has four daughters and craving for a male heir."

"...the mob boss gives his lawful wife a last chance and impregnates her."

Sounds like Mr. Self-Hating Jew skip health class in school...then again, he is a genuine bad boy.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger brogman said...

acqqqt: what a really good media-strong ethnic minority lawyer can do for a murderer.

Damn! That's twice my spelling failed. Reading all these bad queries is having a negative effect on me.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger penlies said...

“We learn to know one of the women gave birth to a baby boy, yet we don’t quite know whom.”

I’m not sure how Jewish people determine the sex of a baby I usually just asume the one with a penis is a boy, but then what do I learn to know?

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Yowza wowza said...

Are the kidnapped children part of the query?

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger penlies said...

How did you learn to know?

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Ok so he’s a “genuine bad boy” who likes to blow his own horn, but he begs you to not hold “it” against him…Sounds to me like a little Jewish tease. Pick a lane buddy!

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

This is the best query I've ever read. I don't understand how it made it on this site at all. It made me laugh, it made me cry. It made me pregnant. This seems to be in the spirit of Mickie and Maude, only with a whore who relies on condoms for birth control and a wife who is too stupid to make a male baby--not to mention a Jewish writer & director who knows his sex ed. I think Dudley Moore should play the mob boss. He'd make a very convincing animated mob boss and he wouldn't need any digging up.

I can't believe no one thought of biblical animation before.

qjbkup: One flexible enough to blow his own horn.

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger VP19 said...

Keep in mind we can also make the mob boss Jewish (think of Meyer Lansky and some other members of the "Jewish Mafia")...adding even more layers of guilt to the fun!

obhadmy: A new, shorthand way for mothers who use surrogates to explain in what obstetric clinic the baby was born.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Children get kidnapped all over the country. A month later they are found on the street corner, not a scratch on them. They reunite with their loving families.
The only problem is: they miss their kidnapper.

Is there a new Neverland Ranch in Bahrain I haven't heard about?

epklj: Homicide by epilator.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

xavncizu: A trendy new Bahrainian side dish made by squeezing a goat's liver out its teet and soaking it in clay dirt and lemons for three weeks before ingesting it, and then vomiting it onto a fancy plate for diners who are obviously superior to those who can neither afford it not pronounce it correctly.

 
At 4:03 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

nor, not "not."

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

The first atheistic biblical Animation series.

Hum, that gives me an idea. I suddenly visualize the whole "whore, gansta, pimp, baby" plot as played by the Veggietales.

The getting pregnant part can be done by the birds and the bees (in Animation, of course).

Since the parents are vegetables (not unlike our query writer) this would explain why we can't tell if it's a baby boy, or even who gave birth to it.

It explains everything.

xqklutz: An ex klutz?

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

I've gotten whiplash just reading that.

How, exactly, are the kidnappings related to a mob boss's use of Dollar Store condoms or Biblical atheism? Or was this reformed Bad Boy just too cheap/lazy to send three separate letters?

Maybe he thought if he combined three crappy ideas, it'd add up to one good one?

Of them all, the Mythbusters meets the Bible cartoon series sounds the most promising.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger k_sra said...

Sure he's a Jew, but is he a Canadian Jew?

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger brogman said...

HERSHEL
J – E – W. Cool Six points.

BOB
C-A-N-A-D-I-A-N. That’s 5, 6, 8 points. Ohhhh! Triple word score! 92 points.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Who is blindfolded? The mob boss, call girl, pimp, or the condom? Or all of them?

ylbno: The first atheistic Biblical animation series without color.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger kojled said...

blackcapricorn

dont you mean: worst sentence ever -- today

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger MDS said...

Uh...are these three related concepts?

Anyway, wouldn't a "biblical atheistic Animation series" get kind of old after a while? Just have a guy sitting there going "Nah, that's not what happened."

iotwuh: and thus, a Jew.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

I'd love to comment on the query, but I am totally distracted by the necklace on the lady in the jewelry ad. That shell is as big as her head!

I MUST own it.

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Have fight court today, I'll keep you posted...

ovhkshlt: The sound of fight court defendants singing Christmas Carols and throwing chairs at each other.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Carter said...

Do the kidnapped kids grow up to be zombie lawyers? Also, if the call girl and the mob wife can do some nude tapioca wrestling, e might be able to do something with this.

opueqjk -- gangsta for projectile vomiting

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Kojled- yes I meant today- there have been some terrible sentences on this website but that one definitely made me shake my head.

If this is the last query of 05 let me just say happy holidays to everyone and leave you with 2 great quotes from Nov 2004's queries and postings:

Vampire cats!
Needs More Slashing!

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

"The first atheistic biblical Animation series. Ever....................... Now in color."

Davey and Goliath was in color.

This just in: With the imminent success of this cartoon, Hot Topics has been selling out of Davie and Goliath-wear. If you love your kid at all, for the love of GOD, get in line NOW!

prxagsw: A no-frills "I'm plain people" type of older woman who might be more prone to wallpaper her fridge than buy a new one. Very likely to have an alcoholic husband.

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

rzeceri: Eco-Friendly pasta, usually shaped like uncircumsized penises. What I shall be dining on tomorrow, as it is Festivus (just the pasta part, Penlies).

While I'm at it, here's a little Festivus poem for everyone (that I didn't make up myself). I'll probably recite to my bastard of a son tomorrow, as it seems fitting:

The Festivus lights
are all aglow
I thought that you
should know
I am very
disappointed in you.

Happy Festivus.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger annumarie said...

Children get kidnapped all over the country. A month later they are found on the street corner, not a scratch on them. They reunite with their loving families.
The only problem is: they miss their kidnapper.

This is such a pointless tack on that it has made me forget whatever preceded it. Hmmm, now that I think about it, I do miss my kidnapper. Maybe I'll send him a x-mas card?

Zgpcfi = the astounding surprise one receives when sent a lovely note from former abductees. It is a wonderful world.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger -j. said...

To echo BlackCapricorn's sentiment...if this is indeed the last query of '05 (or at least before Xmas), I'd like to wish everyone here a very happy holidays.

Special thanks to Taffy for her word verifications, to Meg for her fight court updates, to penlies for his rather terrifying predilection for barnyard animals, to Bargaintuan for his song parodies, to BWeaves (such a zeeskyte, to my dear MustangSally for taking on Celine, and to all the rest of you who've given me so much to laugh about this year.

And of course, special special thanks to the Empress and our dear departed ManagerGuy for everything.

Pajiba bless us, every one!

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Same to you, -j, and everyone else.

otbfimib!! What Paris Hilton might utter should she be visited by the Festivus Pest--who is akin to Santa in a way. (My) legend has it that the Festivus Pest is a drunk insurance salesman who smashes through your sliding glass door every December 23rd in his underwear, hurls insults at everyone, drinks up all the Drano, shits in the vegetable drawer, and then leaves, forgetting the Christmas presents he stole from the next-door neighbor's. (In my case, he left my neighbor's Buff Gondoliers calendar.)

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Hello,
Being an Austrian (American) query reader and AD (and thus, without any faith in humanity), let me first apologize for preferring Taffy's last post to your query.
_____
The last plea to bring back Sharos. Ever. Now in color!
_____
If this query writer is kidnapped and then returned without a scratch on him, I will be upset. And I won't have missed him.

jjcuzys- The high-end follow-up to nekkid lezzie vampire tapioca wrestling, involving jets and bubbles

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger penlies said...

What the hell, I thought Holly Wood was run by genuine bad boy Jews...why do we have a X-mas break. I'm an agnostic Muslim and as such my query bashing tendencies don't observe your Christian holidays. I need more bad queries. I actually got a favorable shout out from j…I must not be working hard enough to counter all that damn good cheer your messiah brings. Have a Chai Tea Latte and listen to some Sarah Vaughn for me you son of a Jew whore worshipping infidel…aLaLaLaLaLaLaLaL all praise Allah and the Dumb Guy Martyrs Brigade!

and since I'm in the holiday spirit one for all you annoying word verification people

haifu- A insulting Japanese poem consisting of five derogatory syllables on the first line, seven insulting syllables on the second, and five pointless syllables for the last line.

Eat Shit Dirty Whore
You Make Monkey Farts Smell Good
This I Learn To Know

Merry Christmas love penlies.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Penlies, face it. Festivus is the holiday for you.

This annoying WV (that's Word Verification lingo for Word Verification) is dedicated to you, Penlies, because I'm very disappointed in the flaccid nature of the insults you just hurled.

mqdhqos: The type of new girlfriend that someone much like Penlies might bring to a family BBQ, knowing she wouldn't fit in even if he did bring a shoe horn, because she would have three kids by different fathers, mud flaps, a missing front tooth, a muffin top growing exponentially around the bottom of her belly shirt (borrowed from her daughter, who is actually older than her mother), would love that Leather and Lace song for her wedding, and none of that would mesh with a trust fund family having a garden burger bruncheon.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

WHAT? I'm gone for a week on Christmas vacation (OK, the in-laws are gentiles, what can I say?) and there's NO NEW QUERIES?

I haven't even celebrated Chanuka yet. (Mom's waiting to do it on New Year's Day, because we all have it off.)

Dammit! I'm back at work, and I need some stress relief.

wrphyc: Even my word ver. sucks.

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger Meg said...

In the spirit of the new year, one last fight court update:

Picture a typical southern evangelical tent revival for Christmas. The minister is busy laying hands on folks and comes down the aisle searching for those lost lambs in need of healing. He saw his lamb: a small man with glasses and a snaggle tooth. Clearly, a soul in need of saving. He smacks him on the head to cast the devil out and shouts, "Be HEALED my brother!"

The next day the "victim" takes out a warrant on the minister for assault.

You can't make this shit up.

Happy New Year!

ovaacieu: French for "Be HEALED my brother!"

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger max said...

Whores and torn condoms.. Great stuff!... the hooker and the wives both get HIV as well as getting pregnant and there's a betting pool in Vegas on who dies first.
Ok , lets have a sitcom ... "Growing up Atheist: the laughs and tears of growing up in an Atheist Family in small town America".
I'll go with the Atheist Bible rewrite, Jesus gets engaged but his fiance is porking Romans including Pontius Pilate.The Jewish mafia puts out a contract on Jesus for skimming the wood in a carpentry deal...and Jesus is on the lam from both the Jews and the Romans, finds his whore girlfriend and beats her.
...
Unbenownst to God, Jesus's condom breaks when he seduces a blind girl and Jesus leaves behind a SON.
..
I miss my kidnapers too. There's the tie-in with the mafia story. they run a condom factory and use the the kidnapped kids to poke holes in the condoms. It's part of an atheist plot to produce a society of unwanted mob kids and undermine the Fundamentalist Conservatives. Jesus's descendents emmigrate to America and are the founding fathers of the Cosa Nostra. One of them eventually has sex with a hooker whose condom breaks and she still misses her childhood kidnappers.
Meanwhile the Jewish mafia still wants to settle the score.
How am I doing so far?

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger galactic toilet said...

"The first atheistic biblical Animation series. Ever.
Now in color!"

i think i've already seen this in B&W

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger boredinchicago said...

oh my GOD you guys I've been gone from this site for SO LONG. I switched jobs and was so caught up with it that I forgot!! Can you believe it. But man am I glad I came back to this one. Not enough jews in mobster comedies (see Analyze This and That)

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Glad you're back "Bored" but we haven't had a new query since Dec. 20th.

EMPRESS come back! We love you! We need you! PLEASE!

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger brogman said...

Here’s something I slapped together a few minutes ago. Hope it gets everyone through until another real query letter appears.

Dear Empress Dude

First let me just say “you rock!!!”
2. Let me present you with something that will forever change how we think of movies.

Scene 1
After a bit on the television about the ridiculous free perks celebrities receive just because their celebrities the general public is furious. Not only do they get millions for acting but they don’t pay for anything on top of it. People, in response, decide not to go to the movies. Hollywood’s economic structure collapses. And the celebs must get real jobs and pay for what they want.
Act2
Maniacal fans of the celebs start riots over the mere thought that they’re favorite celeb has to actually work for a living. They begin bombing local bingo parlors which are now the main activity for people since they don’t go to movies anymore.
ActIII
This is the climactic ending everyone has been waiting for. I don’t want to spoil it by revealing the ending but everything does work out in the end and Hollywood will never be the same again.

I have shown this to a few people in high places in the biz and has been received with great review. Brad Pitt actually thought it was interesting except for the no perk bit but I’m sure we could work something out to snag him. If your interested please respond quickly before it is picked up by another studio. "

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Brogman: Celebrities with real jobs? The looks I getr from overweight check-out chicks upon specifically asking for regular and not diet soda are bad enough. Now I'm picturing Cameron Diaz' look of scorn when I ask for butter topping...
kxoufmbl: Heath Ledger's failing attempts as a fry-up diner cook

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Oh dear, Cinekat. Now I know why I keep getting murdered at the ice cream parlor whenever I ask them to pile on the whipped cream. I shouldn't add that if they don't hurry, I'll drop three pounds by midnight.

redqlj*: Asking for gobs of extra whipped cream to ward off the Holly-Pop look instead of going to the doctor.

*I never shop around for the perfect WV. Mortimer simply knows better than I what I require. I believe Wodehouse wrote yards and yards about him, calling him Jeeves.

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Dear Pajiba,
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for this most unflattering picture of Ms. Lohan. You don't know how close I was to being her mother-in-law until she started becoming just another Holly-Pop (there's that word again). My son was just beginning to think that maybe if he fed her a banana split or two--a real ice cream one, Penlies--she would look like her old self and maybe not get lost in all that wedding gown fabric. Now that I am armed with this photo, he will surely realize that no banana split can fix this problem, unless it has some powdery substance sprinkled on the whipped cream.

So, Pajiba, this means that, for once, I will not complain about the lack of male cheesecake. Just don't show any unflattering pics of Natalie Portman, even though there aren't any, because she'd make a lovely daughter-in-law. They even have matching moles.

tqobwi: The new way to spell "Jennifer" (if you want your kid to be a star like you always wanted, or if you just want to distinguish her from all the other Jennifers).

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

I think The Empress has had enough. I think there will be no new queries. See the new heading at the top of this site. Well, it's been fun while it lasted. Thanks guys and gals!

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger brogman said...

we must create something new if that's the case.

Any thoughts?

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Maybe she's just on vacation. She needs a good long vacation after looking at this kind of crap all day. Or a good long stay at the local asylum. It is wise to turn away from this kind of trash for a while before it becomes the norm. She should enjoy her break and we should just invent our own queries until she returns.

qkybh: Quick, secretive bath house sex with someone you arren't supposed to be screwing--not even in a bath house.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Here's my query. It's realy rock solid:

Dear Mr. Empress:
Hold onto your brains, becawse I am about to blow them out, with the force of my words in the form. Of a screenplay so powerful, and never done before, ever.

Tagline: It's Night on Earth meets When Harry Met Sally meets Speed 2 meets Meet the Parents meets The Birdcage when I ask you: To what lengths, will a powerful Vatican bishop go, to straighten out his gay Italain sun?

Synopsis: Imagine a unique setting of a speeding Roman bus filled with two completely and totally different types of calendar models, and a maniac Roberto Benigni spouting off cleverly at the wheel. Imagine one side of the bus contains brainy and busty Howard Stern calendar models, from Brogman's calendar, who giggle a lot, and blow balloons out their asses. Now, if you can handle it, imagine anew, that the other side of this exact same bus is riddled with Buff Gondoliers calendar models from the calendar I wrote about to rave reviews in my bestselling, world renounced, blog--The Diary of Fran Drank, that all famous people everywhere love to read for breakfast, becawse, it is funnier than Ann Frank is.

Now, if you're still okay physicly, allow me to go ahead and proceed. Here I go: One of the Buff Gondoliers is, get this, gay. Well, they all are, but this one I went ahead and pointed out is no less, the sun of a high-ranking Vatican bishop! And if word gets back to the Pope, via him getting the calendar for Christmas (or Kwanza if that works better), that his favorite bishop's own kid is bent, he'll be in a fix alright! You see, not only is he bishop, but owns a boat that needs major repairs and if he doesn't get his holiday bonus from the pissed-off Pope, he'll really be sunk. He'll be up a creek without a paddle. He won't be able to fix his boat and take his mistress on the tour of Venice he promised her so she'd shut up and not tell his wife about them. So he has to get his sun off that calendar, which means he has to make him not gay.

How are you doing? Do you need to catch your breath? I'll wait a second ................................. Okay, so what the bishop does is hire a maniac played by Roberto Benigni to drive the bus with his gay kid and his Buff goldolier pals and then makes their bus crash into the smoking ladies' bus by way of, via, Roberto the crazy maniac of a bus driver crashing into them. So now they have no other choice in the world but to double up with the Buff Gondoliers and ride, with them, to the calendar making place. Hijinks ensue when the Buff Gondoliers start throwing up on the ladies becawse ladies are so gross to them, and the ladies start taking off all their thrown up on clothes, and, run all around the bus naked. Then they all get scared becawse of the crazy bus driver's bad driving, and they have elongated discussions about the meaning of life while they all have to huddle together in piles becawse the bus driver turned off the heat due to the Nipple Factor, in an ironic twist, of the men.

I won't spoil the end by telling you that, tragicly, just as the bus is plummeting off a cliff, the gay sun of the bishop turns straight due in part by the artfully worded discussions I wrote, but then dies before his bishop dad can ever know he died kissing a lady who can blow colorful balloons out her ass.

Or does he? You see, I've put in a very unexpected surprise twist, double entendre, super re-twist at the end that also allows for a sequel in which he meets her parents and has to hide his gay buff gondoliering past, and then she has to meet his parents and pretend she was never a man. Clever, aren't I? Just hurry up and respond that you're dying to make this movie and I'll tell my best friend Benecio del Toro that the lead gay sun part is his so he can start getting into character which means losing all the wieght from his last movie, and I'll also tell my other good friends Ron Howard and Steven Speilberg to piss off because you're making the movie they've been dying to make all their lives.

PS: I won a ribbon for this script.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Here is the babelfish on Taffy's tagline from english to french and back again

Tagline: It is night on gatherings of the ground when Harry met the gathering of gatherings the speed 2 of gatherings of Sally which the parents meets Birdcage when I ask you: To which lengths, a powerful bishop of the Vatican will go, to rectify itself out of its merry sun of Italain??

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger -j. said...

Taffy's query totally had me going until the part where the Catholic priest was trying to convince the young men not to be gay. Then her credibility went out the window. Taffy, perhaps you should talk to BCphil.

This can't REALLY be the end of queryletters...can it? Empress, if you're out there, please let us know. Otherwise I vote we all go hang out on penlies' blog.

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I guess I should have done my homework, J. You must be a Catholic scholar.

kwjixw: A new cereal that contains real metal jacks that you can play with after they stab you.

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Sorry, I'd be chicken not to take up Mortimer's challenge here:

xdmdsxwo: The place right next door to Xanadu that's more like a Payless Xanadu. Your toga is just an inch short of fashionable there, the fruit is bruised a bit, they haven't yet switched to CDs, and your shoes feel cheap there and squeak on the cracked marble floors.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Penlies has a blog???

I thought he'd drunk himself to death by now!

If this is the end of query letters then who gets the last post?

Most important things I learned from Query letters

11) Mortimer Fenby has is just plain sick and evil.

10) Taffy thinks she is Wilmer Valderrama's Mom.

(10a - buying Lindsay Lohan dinner is apparently a big waste of money)

09) Charachters should have NAMES

08) Always make sure to include a PLOT in your script.

07) "Chief Circlejerk" is not an appropriate name for any charachter.

06) Fight Court is not a place where you want to piss off the assistant D.A.; also if you take her space she will have your ass towed and your car impounded

05) Bargantuan is more talented than all the "Pop Tarts" combined. He writes lyrics faster than people named SIMPSON can learn to lip synch them.

04) My wife thinks Gwen is really Sigourney Weaver in disguise.

03) Being Canadian is good for bonus points

02) 312 page scripts written by your bosses buddy's kid that contain detailed directions as to what the charachters are eating and wearing are not fun to deal with

01) Submitting your query in ENGLISH is always a big help.


And the most important thing I learned from Query letters is

Working in Hollywood counts as good time towards your time in purgatory.

kssnqys - reciently excevated Minoan ruins in the south of Creet.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger Heidi C. Dahlquist said...

I'm a fellow writer and found my way to your blog. Good luck with the writing and with query letters.

I just finished my manuscript and am looking for an agent. If your curious about my work, check it out... www.heidicdahlquist.org

I write mixed genre but it's paranormally themed. Good Luck to you! I wish you success!

Heidi Dahlquist

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Max Schadenfreude said...

For your edification:

In RayneBlood, the vicious Lord Gakan wields power so fiercely that almost no one dares oppose him. Worse yet, Gakan now has within his grasp the opportunity to become invincible and possess immortal powers of untold horror. Only the Brimstone Society, a small, freedom-loving group, stands against him. They must enlist the help of Rayne, a beautiful, young woman with a mysterious past, to thwart Gakan's plan. But Gakan too seeks Rayne for his own purposes. Even if the Society can get to her before their enemy does, will she help them or go her own way? And what is the dark secret that makes someone as powerful as Lord Gakan fear her?

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

The unshaven patches beneath her powerful arms? Or perhaps a different unshaven patch that hides every man's worst nightmare--sharp, pointy, angry teeth?

tkithvw: 1. Something uttered by every guy who read the above. 2. To inhale between cletched teeth, perched on the edge of your pew, as you wait to see if the bride says "I do" because you all know it's doomed.

 
At 2:38 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

This is no longer funny. I'm going through serious QLIL withdrawal here. Unless I get a fix soon, I will kill my boss and blow up the whole TV station while I'm at it. Meg, what's the deal with temporary insanity?
anshh: Dath Vader with halitosis

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Cinekat: Temporary insanity (or to use legal jargon "cuckoo for cocoa puffs") is best defined as the inability to stop yourself from listening to the little voices tell you that the bitch in the minivan who just pulled out in front of you deserves to die. It has been successfully used to defend a girl who bludgeoned a nitwit teenager to death (with rolled up napkins wrapped around a particularly large kernel of popcorn) in a movie theatre who actually TALKED on her cell phone throughout the good bits where Heath Ledger was possibly getting naked.

wdpvqf: The legal term for the weapon made from wadded up napkins and kernels of popcorn.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger melisah said...

nice blog here!

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I need a query fix before I get any more work done.


axdmmuu: The most obvious definition is to get fired for wearing a muumuu dress. It is also the state of being asked whether one bought their muumuu secondhand, or handmade it. Either way, one who is axdmmuued usually finds herself in Fight Court covered in tapioca.*

*Information provided courtesy of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Ok, let's hear some nominations for "best" query 2005 - Sharkos? Sasquatsch? Evil Templar Knights vs. plucky college kid`sd? Work with me people, cause I'm jonesing for queries.
svodzwb: the Ukrainian solution to query jonesing: take 8 sips of vodka from the bottle held backward (also commonly recommended by babushkas to cure hiccups)

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Space Shark said...

We should have different categories. Like overall best - best time travel query - best creative use of grammar and punctuation - best use of Knights Templar. And by we, I mean you guys, the regular poster

dlppqgl - Getting a double plop of gel in your hand.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger brogman said...

If you're interested I'll put up a blog posting your own home made queries. Grammer, spelling and coherence optional. No profanity please.
I can post them without names and everyone can guess who posted it.
Email address is on the blog.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

No more query letters? I'll die! What will we do without them? And don't anyone say "get some work done at the office," because I will have to punch such a person in the face really hard.

As for the best worst query letter ever, as much as I love King Sharkos, I think the galaxy-sized fetus idea was my all-time favorite. That was so bizarre...so offensive to so many people...and so poorly conceived (ha ha!) that I think it deserves some sort of award.

Sigh. Can this possibly be the end of bumpernuts and naked jello wrestling?

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Mustang S as truly ridiculously bad as "Space Fetus: 2001" was, you cannot deny the ultimate power of the Sharkos- a few highlights of the trilogy, if you will...

"General Sharkmembrane leads them. However, accidentally, they destroy Sharkos, their own planet, during their mission."

"Meantime, King Shark, a huge black and white shark with red eyes too, has his own plans! He wants his island to be aired as a new TV cartoon show! He blackmails
the TV networks, until he finally gets what he wants!"

"Every kid all over the world loves him and he sells tons of products and franchises, being turned into a very wealthy shark, together with his agent!"

"As the plot takes place, KING SHARK's cousin, KING SHARKOR, glimpses from another galaxy, where he lives, on planet SHARKOS, every step of what's happening!"

(I included this last quote simply for the King Sharkor name).

I think these sharks (with their red eyes and chicken feet) are perhaps truly the most awe inspiring thing on this site....

I need QLIL!

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Sometimes, I print out QLIL queries, put them on a spoon and boil them with a lighter held under the spoon. Then I inject them directly into that big vein in my neck. But I can stop anytime, just not today, okay?

enaave: The extended family of Weebles that can collect in rather large navels if you're not careful to change the fly strip once in a while.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

I wish I could reproduce this WV exactly as it appears. I'd be more successful climbing a mountain with my teeth than getting this right. It's curly and wavy and all crunched up together. It's Mortimer's way of telling me he'd like a divorce.

vwjfwncl: The whiskey-breathed uncle every family has who insists on taking over the helm of the barbeque, only to promptly remove his pants and, in the confusion, char his penis along with the hot dogs.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger RockSteady said...

I feel like the Empress has abandoned us...

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger BCPhil said...

Have faith friends, I don't think the show is over yet...

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

It's over, people.

Step away from the BLOG.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Mustang Sally said...

BlackCapricorn, I have to admit that the Sharkos series does wield a power that none of the others have matched. Plus, there were multiple, only slightly varied pitches of this idea, which means the writer was really set on this concept and unwilling to yield to common sense. I respect that. He has a vision. It's a horrid vision, but he's willing to do the footwork to see his vision through. He's the Ed Wood of screenwriting...no talent, but lots of moxie.

So upon further review, I grant your premise that Sharkos is king. But the galaxy-sized fetus is still my personal favorite.

BWeaves, you'll get this blog from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Hey, the fact that I'm still here means I have hope. No hope, but it's still hope.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I concur that Sharkos is the best of '05. Please bring us more queries, Empress. We'll be good. Well, penlies won't, but we can't help that.

I submit to my fellow Lesbian Vampires that we hold a "Save QLIL" rally complete with bumpernuts and pudding wrestling.

As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Penlies, I don't think it's over yet, Pajiba is still with us.

aqybqc: The sound I made in the back of my throat after writing that I agree with Penlies.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger penlies said...

Wait…what do we agree on Meg? Hey I never got a chance to ask you how your private investigation of me went…was it everything you had hoped for? You have stumbled over a tremendous amount of irony I’m afraid; my life isn’t much of a secret. And I have a blog?! What in the hell would my blog talk about? I am Muslim Larry I don’t drink. Every good story needs an antagonist; life is just a bunch of butt kissing lesbian vampires with out one. So screw you guys!

P.S. you ever notice how sexual a semi colon is……. ;

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Only if you're trying to sex a kitten, Penlies.

: = male

; = female

Just in case you need help there.


ybjbyl: The movements made by a particularly abundant muffin top sitting atop a pair of stretch jeans six sizes too small as the owner of the muffin top runs in high heels to catch the train. (Do not attempt to follow this with your eyes, as the vitrious fluid will begin to ybjbyl and will not stop ybjbyling until you are completely blind.)

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger Reg Dunlop said...

Is this all we have left?

nbzpueac: The sound coming from the bathroom 5 minutes after an Olsen twin finishes a meal.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Someone sort of stole my registry idea, according to my Google ad for incaseofdeath.com. Their's asks who will take care of your kids after you die and offer to do it for nine bucks, though, whereas mine asks how you can avoid duplicate casseroles after someone dies. I think I provide a much more vital service for about the same price.

Christ, even the Google ads are saying this site is dead.

xhphti: A casserole that will not be allowed on my Grim Reapings site. It has xylophones and hepatitis in it, which would be fine, but there's also spaghetti in it and that simply does not belong in a casserole.

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger jaimilyn said...

Hmm, all my ads are coming up for child safetly monitors.

This site is evidently unfit for consumption. :)

Empress, I miss you! I hope this is not the end.

suztaf: new dance steps debuting on Dancing with the Stars tomorrow night

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger His Monkey Wife said...

Damn, I thought that website would actually care for my child for $9. You know, like some giant daycare provider that could get Wal-mart economies of scale.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger cinekat said...

Google ad safekids asks: How old does your kid have to be before you stop worrying? Referred the question to my mom, who answered "dead". I wish she'd at least hesitated.
gojns: Trojan condoms sabotaged by eager grandmothers-to-be
(Thanks, Mortimer. Nja-nja-nja-nja-nja Taffy - he's mine now!)

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger sharpie said...

Maybe she got busted at work.

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger KingLothar said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger KingLothar said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger KingLothar said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger KingLothar said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Max Schadenfreude said...

"Blowing my own horn for a minute [if were limber enough to do that I'd never leave the house], if I may, I’ll have to say I’m a genuine bad boy, who thinks, writes and acts totally different."

Totally different than what?

ngsvn: an evangelical ethnic slur

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Bargaintuan said...

Sialonde, I envision lots of catwalks.

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger Larry Rasczak said...

Well unless the Emperess shows up soon I plan on hanging out with the Lesbian Vampire Sisters at Fight Court tales. I am in hopes that bweaves will be there as I have a huge crush on her and wish to spawn evil children with her.

I must tell Penlies that I am sorry to hear that, as a Muslim, you can not drink himself to death. Perhaps you could go on hajj instead? Then again, as a member of the great religion of peace you are fortunate enough to belong to the only world religion that actually encourages its members to blow themselves up!! This opens up a world of possibilites for you.
I'm sure we can work out some way for you to get to paradise and collect your 72 rasins.

Bargantuan - My wife thinks your lyrics are fantastic!! Hope to see you at Fight Court Tales.


siepbd- new off brown color from the boys at Queer Eye

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Hey everyone- until the Empress gets this site back up and running I have created QLIL 2 with a post. I need everyone's help so if you come across query letters please email them to me! you can go to the blog at this address:

http://qlil2.blogspot.com/

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger brogman said...

Had a slightly different idea.

I'll post query letters from the fans. Grammer, spelling and coherence optional. No profanity please.
I can post them without names and everyone can guess who posted it.


http://fanquery.blogspot.com/

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger KingLothar said...

Dear God,

You know I don't ask for much, so maybe you will listen. Trying to get someone in the business to read my work is an almost impossible task, as they receive, only you know how many, crappy scripts and even crappier query letters .

I pray that the authors of these query letters would somehow stumble upon this website and see just how stupid they sound and either kill themselves or quit submitting this horse shit.

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger KingLothar said...

I have a retarded idea, click on my name and post the most absurd query letter you can summons.

Use your expertise from all the garbage you have seen on here and try and incorporated as many bad ideas into one query letter as you can. I did the first one, its not my best parody, but I am legally ineligible from winning the contest, so I don’t care.

Everyone can vote and I will announce the winner.

Prizes are as follows.

3rd place: An all expense paid trip straight to hell.

2nd place: Gets unlimited movie down loads from file sharing network of their choice.

1st place: gets complete funding to write their very own screen play, which will include: word pad (or note pad if you prefer) and several links to "how to write a screenplay" websites.

Give er hell

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger BWeaves said...

Larry Rasczak said...
"Well unless the Emperess shows up soon I plan on hanging out with the Lesbian Vampire Sisters at Fight Court tales. I am in hopes that bweaves will be there as I have a huge crush on her and wish to spawn evil children with her."

Oh, Larry, you Rascal!

Where are we meeting again?

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger KingLothar said...

This is off the topic, but no one else seems to be saying anything so oh well.

I have been skimming through the archives (it so much fun, bordering on addicting) and these friggen spam bots kill me.

My fav line is, "check out my blog -eating goat shit right out of a goats ass-, it's pretty much about eating goat shit right out of a goats ass"

That just never gets old.

If you could kill the creator of a spam bot, and get away with it, would you?

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

"If you could kill the creator of a spam bot, and get away with it, would you?"

Yes i definately would.
You see, to me, spammers are not human geeings. Heck, they're not even living creatures, let alone intelligent.
They're more like a virus.

pazbcha: saying "pajiba" while sneezing

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger KevMont said...

Hey, how come nobody's posting to BlackCapricorn's web site?

http://qlil2.blogspot.com/

It's great. Thanks, BlackCapricorn.

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger gwendemarco said...

It's been a kick. See you in Hell.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Hey thanks to everyone checking out my temp site until we get QLIL back. I hope to see you all over there and that you enjoy the query letters I am posting- Empress please bring back the site!!!

http://qlil2.blogspot.com

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Blackcapricorn, At some point, you're going to have to take on Pajiba, too. Maybe Ms. Spears will have shed a pound or two by then. And a husband.

rjjjozrx: Illegal raspberry jam made from ketchup in Ozark mountain stills. (It doesn't sound good, but trust me, the addition of poison in the final stages is what makes it all come together. Great on hot dogs.)

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger apachenf said...

Damn, I was certain there'd be a new Query today and I could stop lurking, watching the lesbian vampire tapioca wrestling on cable and get back to the real entertainment but no - twas not to be.
I'll just turn up Bobby Goldsboro on the old stereo and sob along to Honey (substituing Empress for Honey of course).

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Ok- I am not trying to trump up my tribute temporary website but I have run across a query so terrible that it makes the Sharkies look like a great idea. It will be posted Monday at http://qlil2.blogspot.com

Taffy- I would love to have pajiba- I am not sure how blog ads work but if they still check this site- contact me! I don't want my website to turn into QLIL but the more time that passes, the less likely this site is coming back.

Happy Sundancing to all of the industry folks!

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger hoover said...

you know, she could have at least taken her laptop on vactation with her. is that too much to ask?

in any case, i'm going to hold my breath until she comes back (giant inhalation...

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Garage said...

Success! I have successfully overcome my addiction problem! Through intervention of a few fine friends and a heavy dose of a certain 'unnamed' drug, I am no longer addicted to "Query Letters I Love" and no longer have to check in once or twice or three times a day to see if a new letter has been posted.

Except today, when I checked twice. Well, okay, this is my third time but I'm not coming back anymore today. I think.


word: brslwfoc: what I say when my meds wear off andI check QLIL only to see "The Passions of the Jewish Writer" is still headlining.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Garage, there's no need to withdraw. Just go to Blackcapricorn's site. Same thing. We don't need people getting work done. Just pretend that you've been in jail for a week with no drugs and now you're going to hang out with your old friends and shoot heroin. I'm sure as soon as Mr. The Empress gets out of the big house, she'll be all over the queries in no time flat.

lhivsht: Roughly translates into "make sure your needles are clean."

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger IamKungFool said...

as an aspiring screenwriter i've found this blog to be great frankly. while showing me what not to do it proves there are people out there who suck way more than i could ever think i suck. so please...POST MORE!!!! and when you start i'll post my query letter so you guys can tear it apart that'd be great.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Iamkungfool- send me your query and I will post it on my QLIL tribute site http://qlil2.blogspot.com

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

And I'd be thrilled to rip it to pieces.

vqglng: Gargling eggnog in your no-no place.

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger london cokehead said...

Nothing like telling the world your a Jew before launching into a shit treatment kid !!!

Ummm !!!

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Boyzoids Mom said...

I didn't realize this blog continuted after ManagerGuys passing.
Thank you for dedicating this site to his memory.
In case you're wondering I am ManagerGuys Mother.
ManagerGuys identity was a closely guarded secret for obvious reasons, as is yours.
I wish there was a way I could thank you personally for keeping this site alive.
I hope to find out who you are....but for the time being - Thank you.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Dear Manager Guy's Mom,
From one mother to another, you have my deepest sympathy.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger BlackCapricorn said...

Dear Boyzoids Mother:

Managerguy's efforts with this blog made me laugh every day and he created an online community where people could come together to laugh and have fun. I am sorry for your loss.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger -j. said...

Boyzoid's Mom:

I, too, would like to send my deepest respect and support to ManagerGuy and those who loved him. We're very lucky that we got to tke advantage of his wit and humour. Best wishes.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger Taffy Doublewide said...

Okay. I can take a hint. I get the feeling this site is no more, so I would like to thank you, Mr. The Empress for continuing it for as long as you did after Manager Guy's passing.

And now a final word from Mortimer Fenby:

"Gmotlrpe: A horrible, unspoken crime inflicted upon grapes in which they are squeezed to death over clear, plastic bottles and sold at reasonable prices in supermarkets everywhere."

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Laaw-yuhr said...

For the love of god, don't let this be the end! I rely on you to make me feel normal. Please, The Empress, come back.

tflpr: the sound of a tear falling on a pillow

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Buffy said...

"What the freak!"

On both counts.

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger Lady M said...

Please say you'll continue this.

I rather like these.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger C. said...

you are all too kind...

I think this would make a great reality show: one man's "idea" ridiculed ad naseum (but I gotta hand it to ya, I ain't had no naseum yet). Kinda like that movie about the joke...

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Cute Indian Girl said...

keHello

Great Blog! Enjoyed reading it.

Adding to my Bookmark. Will be coming back

Indian Girl

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger Jesus Christ said...

This blog has been blessed by the Lord.

 
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At 4:32 PM, Blogger GRM said...

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At 2:39 PM, Blogger GRM said...

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At 11:05 PM, Blogger Nullus said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Nullus said...

Thought this was funny..."Mel Gibson Begs For Help."

http://adam.freefm.com/pages/63567.php

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger GRM said...

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